I’m super excited about today’s post because it’s from my friend Steph at https://stephbysteph.net/. Although I had a few challenges during my pregnancy, I didn’t have any challenges getting pregnant. This was such a relief because I think all women worry a little about struggling with infertility. With that being said, I have a few friends that have tried for years to have a baby and had huge challenges with infertility. So when I got pregnant I didn’t know the best way to share my news without disappointing them or making them sad.

Have you ever felt this way?

Well, you’re in luck! Steph is sharing 6 wonderful tips about what to know when you tell a friend struggling with infertility that you are expecting. Keep reading to learn exactly what you should say and do to support all of your friends that want a baby but run into challenges along the way.

Overview:

I know what it’s like living with infertility.

It can be akward when your friends get pregnant.

What do we really think when you tell us you’re pregnant?

#1: Yes, we are happy for you.

#2: No, you do not have to feel bad.

#3: Yes, you can talk about your baby.

#4: Please don’t tip-toe around us or treat us differently.

#5: Allow us to love on that baby as much as possible.

#6: We’ll have our hard days.

Being open about your pregnancy actually helps us!

I know what it’s like living with infertility.

As a woman who is almost 30 years old and has struggled with getting pregnant my entire adult life, I know exactly what it is like living with infertility. Let me just say that it is one of the most heartbreaking struggles that some women have to bear. The dream of being a mom fills our hearts, minds, and souls. The dream that feels so close yet so far away.

Infertility is an ongoing struggle every day for women who suffer from it.

Personally, when I am getting ready to go into work, I look around my house and think to myself, “I wonder what it will be like to have a baby to get ready in the morning? Would I get the baby ready before or after I get myself ready? Would I leave the baby in bed with my husband while I get ready? Or will the baby just know when I am up and want to eat?”

“What will the baby do to make us laugh? What words will the baby pronounce wrong but will be hilarious? What will the babies first words be? What will my baby grow up to become? Will my child remember all the life lessons we taught to avoid heartbreak and bad decisions? What hobbies will my baby have? What will be her/his favorite tv shows or movies?”

Questions like these fill our minds day in and day out.

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It can be awkward when your friends get pregnant.

I also know what its like to have the women in my life become pregnant and how awkward that can be for us women who struggle with infertility. How do we react when you tell us that you are pregnant? We definitely don’t want to seem selfish. We don’t want this to be just another time for you to comfort us because you have done it so much already. We don’t want to steal your happiness and joy from this life-changing news.

No,  instead we smile, hug you, and are eagerly awaiting the baby’s arrival.

What do we really think when you tell us you’re pregnant?

Please allow me to provide some insight into the minds and lives of your friends who struggle with infertility and clear up some questions you may have on how she feels when you become pregnant.

#1: Yes, we are happy for you.

Because we are friends, I know we’ve probably had several on-going conversations about our future children. We’ve talked about what type of mothers we want to be. And we’ve spent time talking about whether or not we will vaccinate, brainstorming names, and window shopping all of the baby items for our nurseries and baby showers. We even probably share Pinterest boards about everything baby-related.

And trust me when I say that as our beloved friend, we want to see you happy and succeeding in all that you do. We want to see you get all that you want out of life. Because of that, when you decide to tell us that you are expecting, please do not hesitate. We will celebrate with you. We’ll still be wishing, hoping, and praying for our own someday. But in the meantime, we are still very happy for you, friend.

#2: No, you do not have to feel bad.

When it comes down to it, the fact that you would think of us when you find out you are carrying, only shows how selfless you are and great of a mother you will be. But please don’t feel bad for us.

When you show that you feel bad for us, it only makes us feel worse. Although this sounds harsh, in this moment, we don’t want your sympathy. We want to be in your shoes. We want to be the one feeling nervous and excited telling you that we are expecting.

But now’s not our time. However, it is your time. Time to be happy for yourself. NOT to feel bad for us. We both know that the baby feels what you feel, so feel good and don’t worry about us.

#3: Yes, you can talk about your baby.

We have already talked about all the things you want for you and your baby before you became pregnant. Now that it is here, let’s continue that conversation! Because now it is finally a reality.

As our friend, we want you to share your life with us. Including your hopes, dreams, ideas, and struggles with this pregnancy. Becoming a mom changes the direction of your life, heck, it becomes your life. It is one of the major transitions for both men and women. You start to think about the future, who your baby will look like, what their personality will be, how your days will go once you have your baby is in your arms. Talk to us about all those things and more.

Because we love you, we will set ourselves to the side and be there to listen. We always want to be there for you!

#4: Please don’t tip-toe around us or treat us differently.

It’s no secret, you are pregnant. And that my friend is amazing! You know that we have been wanting a baby for sometime now. You know because we cry every single time we get our period, every time there is a negative test, every time we see a baby, every time we see a pregnant woman, every time we walk past the baby section at Target or drive past Baby’s ‘R’ Us.

But just because we don’t have our baby yet, doesn’t mean you can’t be happy about yours. Treat us normally. This is a time in your life where you will need us and we will be there so please don’t make it weird.

#5: Allow us to love on that baby as much as we can!

Because we love you, we automatically love that baby as soon as you tell us that he/she is cooking! Being there for you at your baby shower, the delivery, babysitting, and weekend visits. We want and need all of those things!

We dream about having our own baby and being in your shoes. Which means with your beautiful baby so close to us, we will want to love on that little face as much as we can.

Let’s be real, asking strangers to love on their kids is creepy, so save us from looking creepy! It’s girl code, friends don’t let friends look creepy! Trust me, we watch our bodies like a hawk every month for even the slightest little clue that we are pregnant, so spending time together and loving on your baby will help us get through the toughest times.

#6 We’ll have our hard days.

Although we are so happy for you, we want you to understand that this struggle is immensely difficult. When we find out that you are pregnant, our hearts will break a little. Sometimes, we might feel angry. And every once in a while, we might even shed a few tears. But trust me when I say that none of that takes away from our happiness for you.

It’s just that stress is a part of infertility and it can cause extreme mental obstacles. Such as depression, chronic sadness, marriage problems, low self-esteem, and social isolation. If we do decide to get treatments such as IVF for infertility, those emotions can interfere with the success of those treatments. Which is another issue all on its own.

I won’t lie. It is a hard thing to watch someone else get the blessing that you have been praying for, no matter who it is. But, we keep the hope that God will soon bless us and fulfill our dreams of being a mom.  

We hope to know what it’s like to get to name our baby the cute names and nicknames that you helped us pick out. We hope that we can shake this feeling of being a broken woman. We hope to feel adequate in our own life’s purpose and as wives.  We hope to know the feeling of bringing our baby home. We hope that our babies will be just as good as friends as we have grown to be.

We might have even thought about adoption. Personally, I have gone as far as printing out the necessary paperwork to fill out to become an adopting couple. Maybe we haven’t actually gone through with the process yet because we are still hoping we will become pregnant.

I once had a friend tell me that she talked to her husband about offering to be my surrogate or donating one of her eggs to me. It shocked me. I couldn’t believe she would be willing to go through that for me. It meant the world to me.

Being open about your pregnancy actually helps us!

We think, dream, pray, and hope to become pregnant every day of every month. There is nothing that anyone can do to help us stop doing that and nothing that we want more than becoming a mom.

And believe it or not, your pregnancy and your baby help. As a matter of fact, welcoming your baby into the family is the only thing that will fill this void in our hearts.

You have been there for us through this struggle. Wiped our tears, kept us occupied, and hoped for a positive test with us. Every. Single. Month.

Now that you have your positive test, let’s celebrate! After all, we have some shopping to do!  

Have you or any of your friends struggled with infertility? What helped you in these situations?