I’m honored to introduce our first guest post on Piece of Cake Parenting! I collaborate with many wonderful writers and plan to add in a guest post each month. This month’s post was written by Brooke from Mother Me Crazy. As a new mom, she knows exactly what phrases you should avoid saying to new moms, and what things you can say and do instead. Read her great post below. Then leave a comment with your thoughts on what phrases you should never say to a new mom.
Becoming a parent is probably one of the most difficult things a person can do in their lifetime. The nay-sayers will argue that there are more challenging things in life. But I, along with many other parents, disagree.
Bringing a child into this world comes with so many ups and downs. You have some people telling you to do it this way and others telling you to do it another way. Mom has so many hormones running through her body, and you never know what kind of mood she will be in. For that reason, and that reason alone, here are 5 things you should never say to a new mom.
1 – You Look Tired
Yes, she looks tired. That is because she IS tired. She probably woke up at least 3 times last night, and each time in a miserable way – an obnoxiously loud cry from her hungry newborn baby. During the day, everyone says to nap when the baby naps, but that doesn’t happen. The baby finally goes down for a nap, you sit down to relax for a second. But the next thing you know, your baby is awake and hungry again.
New moms are well aware that they look and are tired, and there is no reason for you to remind them. For all you know, she may be feeling the best she has all week, and you just ruined it with your unwarranted comment.
If you notice that the new mom in your life is looking a bit tired, instead of telling her so (because you KNOW she’ll snap at you), I’m sure she would appreciate you helping her out by washing her dirty dishes, cooking her supper, or taking the baby for a walk while she has a nap.
2 – You Still Look Pregnant
Did you know that it takes 6-8 weeks for a woman’s uterus to return to its normal size after giving birth? This can cause her to still look pregnant for a while.
Remember those hormones I mentioned at the top of this article? Well, they cause all kinds of mindset changes after giving birth. She may have been the strongest woman you know pre-pregnancy, but postpartum she falls apart at the slightest of things.
It’s common courtesy to not mention any woman’s weight or physical shape. But most certainly keep it to yourself if it’s about a woman who just gave birth. You don’t know what she may be dealing with on the inside and there are many mental and physical changes women go through after having a baby. She may hate her postpartum body and it could be a cause of her postpartum depression. On the flip side, she may absolutely love her new form and be deeply offended her with your comment.
If you notice your postpartum friend is looking a little out of shape, maybe instead of telling her so, you could ask her if she and baby want to join you on a nice stroll in the park. Or wait until she makes the decision to start working out, and then ask if she would like some company and encouragement.
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3 – Why Aren’t You at Home Resting?
Many parents like to take their baby out, whether for a short walk, to the grocery store or to someone else’s house. There is no reason for a new family to stay at home if they don’t want to. If you stayed in your house for months on end, wouldn’t you go a bit stir crazy? I know I would.
If you see a new family out and about, please remember that their life does not come to a screeching halt because they had a baby. In fact, just the opposite happens. Life gets crazy and busy. All of a sudden, people you haven’t seen all year want to come to see the new baby. Aunt Karen, Cousin Sheryl, and that long lost friend from high school who wants to catch up. It is okay to entertain these people and continue your normal social activities after starting a family. And no one should be judged for doing so.
I’m not saying new parents do not need rest, because they do! Refer back to the “You look Tired” paragraph if you need a reminder. I am just pointing out that new parents still need groceries, fresh air, and time to pick up their mail.
Please do not judge them for living their lives and bringing their new baby along with them. Instead, try holding the door for them and their stroller or picking up that box of cereal that fell out of their grocery cart. The parenting life is a hectic one, you can make it a little bit easier for them by being a polite person.
4 – You’re Breastfeeding, right?
Some women do not have the capability to breastfeed. Other times babies don’t have the capability to breastfeed. And some mothers simply don’t want to breastfeed. But that’s okay.
All mothers know that there are many benefits to breastfeeding. It is jammed down our throats from the beginning of pregnancy. Breastfeeding is a very personal decision, and not every new mom has the desire, ability, or patience for breastfeeding. There is no good reason to criticize a new mother about the way that their baby is being fed, provided their baby IS being fed.
You probably don’t know why the new mother in your life decided to formula feed rather than breastfeed. Did you know that there are quite a few medications that prevent a mother from breastfeeding if she is taking them? Or that a lot of moms, including myself, have an extremely low milk supply, which means that the baby cannot get enough milk to survive from mom alone. When this happens, parents need to supplement with formula, or even strictly formula feed.
Instead of asking new moms if they are breastfeeding, and possibly making them feel guilty for not being able to, consider asking the following questions instead:
*How are you doing?
*How is baby doing?
These questions are far more supportive and will allow for further conversation. In her answers, mom may voluntarily tell you whether or not she is breastfeeding. But if not, then she does not have to tell you. Just know that even if she is not breastfeeding, she still has her babies best interest in mind.
5 – Isn’t That Your Job Now?
Mothers, especially the new ones, get tired, and they will complain about the general tasks of motherhood. Their complaints are a way for them to vent. She’s not saying she isn’t going to do those tasks, just that she doesn’t really want to.
All at once, there are so many new things on a new parents plate, like boiling baby bottles and doing a load of laundry every other day. When a new mother is venting about these things, DO NOT in any way, shape or form say “that’s your job, isn’t it?” It is incredibly offensive and makes her feel like she is an inadequate mother and partner.
Instead, try asking if she would like you to take something off of her plate. Offer to babysit for an evening while
At the end of the day, it’s simple.
When you encounter a new mom, simply be kind and both you and the new mom will be happier and more fulfilled.
Inspiration for this post came from my awesome friends on this Twitter feed.
Oh man, I’ve heard so many like, “are you sure you don’t have twins in there”.
Oh that is the worst, Christy!! I think people think they are being funny but it’s so offensive! I hope you didn’t take any of it to heart!
I think some kind of reference to how older parents did things or how they would do things is my number one…I hear things like, “You should do _______.” Or “In my day we ____.” Etc you had your turn to figure things out with your kids, let me have my new mom turn
Yes Ali! I couldn’t agree more! I think this has been the most challenging thing people have said to me as a new mom!
Oh my gosh these are ALL of the things that got under my skin! The worst was when people would say, “it’s okay, you’ll lose the baby weight soon”. More people should read posts like this and know what not to say haha!
Haha! Yes! The things people say has been so surprising to me!
I love what you said about every new mom needs to remember what they are outside of being Mommy. It seems so overwhelming to keep up with everything in the Mommy realm, but it is SO important to care for the person we still are outside of that realm.
Savannah, I completely agree with you! It was so challenging for me to find a way to be Mommy AND still be Danielle and it was overwhelming before I *started* to figure it out because I felt like I lost who I was for a while.
So many of these crack me up! They are totally true, which is what makes me laugh. Sometimes I think people just don’t think before opening their mouth. Such a great post of reminders to people visiting new moms.
Yes, I think that’s exactly it! I don’t think most people are trying to be mean. They just don’t think first. So reminders are good! 🙂
Do people say these things? The breastfeeding one doesn’t surprise me. I don’t think people really get that it could cause some emotions if you actually wanted to breastfeed and it didn’t work out for you. Most of these are common sense though! Crazy that people think it’s ok to say stuff like that.
It is amazing what people say! I’m not sure if they think they’re being funny or if they’re trying to be helpful, but it just doesn’t work to say any of these things.
Yes to all of these things!
Thank you so much for your comment!
This was so spot on! I remember someone telling me I still looked pregnant a few months after having my first baby and I was not happy. Great post!
Yes! I think people try to be funny but don’t realize that new moms often feel very self-conscious about their bodies.
Omg! Do people really say that? “You still look pregnant.” GET OUT OF HERE. I’d lose it on someone haha. I will sit on you with my pregnant-looking butt.
What an awesome post. These are really on-point, and the things people say after you have a baby are just jaw-dropping. People need to focus their energy on helping new moms instead of worrying about how they look, what they are doing, or judging them. Just help. It’s a whole lot easier.
Yes! It’s just amazing what people will say! My baby was 3 MONTHS old and pretty big. I was baby carrying one day (and I think it looked pretty obvious??). An older woman walked up to me and said, “I didn’t know if you had a baby or if you’re just really fat.” What?!?! I didn’t know if I should be offended or laugh hysterically.
This is great! I agree with all of these. Another phrase you should never say is “You really should do it this way.” New moms are doing what they think is best and unless they ask for your suggestions on how to do things, keep them to yourself. See the comments above about hormones.
YES!!! Absolutely! I have gotten so much unsolicited advice about parenting…
One of my friends just became a mom for the first time about a month ago. I am very considerate of what I say to her because I was in her shoes once! She is a brand new mom and what she needs is constant encouragement that she is doing a great job and support as she figures out this whole new lifestyle. The 5 things you share in this article are definitely things you don’t say to a brand new mom because there is so much going on for them!
I love your comment! That’s exactly it! We need to help support and encourage new moms because it’s tough!
Hey Gwendolyn,
I am so glad that you are being so supportive for the new mom in your life! I wish everyone was like you!
Thanks for reading!!
This is a great article and the points are exact! I remember after my 1st son was born and I was asked “are you sure they didn’t leave a baby in there?” Mom life is amazing and exhausting and we are all doing our best! Thank you for this post! Xoxo
Thank you so much for your sweet comment! You’re doing great mama!!
Hey season,
You are very welcome! Some people think it’s okay to say things like that because it’s “funny”. That’s why it is so important to spread the words that shouldn’t be said and make sure everyone knows that it isn’t okay.
Keep doing your best and everything will be okay!
Thanks for the comment
I couldn’t agree more!!! Thanks for the support and feedback Brooke!